As I grow up, I always imagine myself dating, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids. I have all things planned; that I would need to exclusively date the man I love for two years, get engaged for a few months, get married, have no kids for a year for us to enjoy ourselves as newly weds, and have a baby on the course of our second honeymoon on our first year anniversary.
“But this is real life, we always have no control of things. Unexpected things happen and unexpected people comes. ” Then suddenly you are faced in a situation that you really haven’t thought of.
As of this writing, my life is not really what I imagined it would be. It’s not all flowers and butterflies, actually at some point I thought of my situation as a punishment, a slap on my face to make me realize what I’ve done wrong in the past, how hard it is to escape when you once enter a dead-end.
For quite sometime I tried really hard to keep all these things to myself. Trying to project to people around me that I’m alright and I am happy. At some point, I must admit I am. At some point I must admit I felt hope. But now, little things have piled up. I can no longer pretend that everything is okay.
I really need to run… I really need to hide… Before I lose my self respect. Before I suffer really hard that I can no longer love myself, moreover love others.
Today, after a month of not crying, I cried. Somehow it felt good. Because It’s not just crying that I did. I also opened my self up to my sister and Tan. I ranted, poured all my heart out, no restrictions. I no longer care what they’ll think. I no longer cared even if they’d say I told you so. But good thing they didn’t. They’re just there, listening. I never thought it would feel this great. Like what Tan told me after I tell her that I’m fond of watching movies alone: “You’re not suppose to be alone, we’ll all watch together”. At that point it came to me, I don’t need to go through all this by myself. I have my friends and specially I have my family who will understand. Who instead of mock me will hug me.
But of course above all this… amidst all this hurt, there’s still a small part of me hoping to find my real life fairy tale.
thanks Tan and Sis!
